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Submitted on
January 7, 2013
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a girl on my lawn
watching peaches blossom—
you awaken me.

we stretch, having slept too long,
and dine under fireworks.

your birthday gift—
picnicking the harvest moon
much too quietly.

the frost sets in, whispering,
we've said all there is to say.

the easy way out,
a letter on the sill.
peach trees blossom still.
An attempt at a renku describing the year-long relationship between the speaker and a lover.
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:iconsigma-echo-seven:
Sigma-Echo-Seven Mar 20, 2013  Student Writer
Each line is concise and meaningful. Well done!
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Jan 29, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I like the way you got the seasons in this. I'm not completely sold on the last one, but I get the need to bring it back around.
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:iconkatiekerr:
katiekerr Jan 30, 2013  Professional Writer
What do you mean, "sold?" What are you looking for in the last stanza that you're not finding?
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Jan 31, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
That's the thing, I'm not sure what I should be looking for there D: I think maybe the 'difficult goodbyes' line isn't doing it for me: it's too direct about what's happened, and both the preceding and following lines make it clear they've parted.
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