a girl on my lawn
watching peaches blossom—
you awaken me.
we stretch, having slept too long,
and dine under fireworks.
your birthday gift—
picnicking the harvest moon
much too quietly.
the frost sets in, whispering,
we've said all there is to say.
the easy way out,
a letter on the sill.
peach trees blossom still.
An attempt at a renku describing the year-long relationship between the speaker and a lover.
Each line is concise and meaningful. Well done!
I like the way you got the seasons in this. I'm not completely sold on the last one, but I get the need to bring it back around.
What do you mean, "sold?" What are you looking for in the last stanza that you're not finding?
That's the thing, I'm not sure what I should be looking for there D: I think maybe the 'difficult goodbyes' line isn't doing it for me: it's too direct about what's happened, and both the preceding and following lines make it clear they've parted.